Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. 2. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. "I wasn't allergic," she says. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Tell your husband that if you are traveling twice a year let one be with his family and the other one be with his wife and kids. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. If hes not willing to cooperate, then theres not much you can do about it alone. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. We serve, Reduce import duty to curb gold smuggling: Malabar Group Chairman MP Ahammed, By subscribing to newsletter, you acknowledge our, Find out about the latest Lifestyle, Fashion & Beauty Trends, Relationship tips & the buzz on Health & Food, Live: Gulshan calls out nepotism in south industry, SRK's fanfare could give Pathaan a 35-cr opening, Take cues from Janhvi's saree, lehenga looks. Some people might be absolutely okay with older family members making decisions for them and ruling their lives so they dont have to adult, but if one of you is okay with this and the other isnt, then theres going to be conflict. Else, continuous in-law conflicts will cause a significant rupture in your relationship with your spouse sooner or later. Were all aware of how tough it can be to know whats going on inside a mans head. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? At times, mothers-in-law deliberately start to distance the daughters-in-law, or at times they would taunt or tease, or they would still invite their sons ex-partners to the events. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? That is the reason you got married. People also start to take each other for granted and reactdifferently to, Why is it that we only hear about women being difficult acceptors? Because respect is a two-way street. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. Copyright 2022 Bennett, Coleman & Co. Ltd. All rights reserved.For reprint rights: Samsung presents the awesome Galaxy A23 5G to Shantanu Maheshwari! Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. If my dignity is being squashed by your own parents, you will choose to stay silent. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. It's easy to see how it could seem that way. Click here to chat online to someone before the issue infects your entire relationship. As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. My wife constantly pleaded with me to not drink, not drink too much, or to not go out at all I'd still go out, drink too much and get drunk . Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. Even if you're determined to respect his guy time, you're only human. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. Ask him to ensure that his parents dont overspend a lot, the same way you maintain a strict budget. They are there almost as soon as the first coo releases from the childs mouth. Theres little to zero privacy and your relationship with your husband will be heavily tested because of it. In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. If yes, then chalk out a balanced budget with your husband while voicing out your concern in a very subtle manner. P.S. How Do You Fix Emotional Detachment in a Relationship? And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. I want the line in the sand, and I want my people on my beach. So, take a step back and breathe. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Little do they know that it is an act of protection on the part of their husbands; but because it is seldom communicated, the women think the worst. Signs That Your Husband Is a Mama's Boy When your mother-in-law insists on remaining the top person in her son's life, it can feel like there's no way to become his number one. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. When Team Bonobology puts a story together be sure to find strong research-based content. This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. So dont give up on him immediately. .If your husband is choosing friends over you, one way to get him to spend more time with you is to suggest spending more time together as a family. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Because change starts within. In this case, women feel alone and unprotected from the onslaught of the family. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. Sitemap . Lisa Marie Wilson, Contributor. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. And men were not made to choose. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. You know best. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. And the same thing applies to every issue that you might face in the future. Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. Its difficult to change them now., Why you focus so on what they say. You shouldnt hold any grudges or ghost him he doesnt deserve that. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. To view the purposes they believe they have legitimate interest for, or to object to this data processing use the vendor list link below. Accurate city detection helps us serve more contextual content. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. Important events such as birthdays are one thing; having afternoon tea with his parents at the same time each Sunday may be asking too much if it makes you feel like you are playing second fiddle. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. To know if. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. You have the right to make your own decisions. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. Over the days and weeks that followed, my husband stood his ground. If you see that your husband is prioritising his family and spending time with them more, then you can also start doing the same. Suggest spending more time together as a family. You have to show him that this little thing is bothering you. This may lead him to feel the need to exaggerate how important they are to him in order to maintain closeness. And that schedule should be something his family are aware of, too, especially if they have a habit of turning up at your place unannounced. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. Be completely open with him and tell him how these relationships have been making you feel isolated and neglected. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. They are not much helpful during such nasty in-law conflicts. In those helpless moments, I would just pray to God that for once He exchanges our places. I married my husband two years ago and we now have an eight-month-old daughter. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? So what to do when your husband chooses his family over you? That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. It's pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. Does he take their side or let them disrespect you? Please Click Here to subscribe other newsletters that may interest you, and you'll always find stories you want to read in your inbox. You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? Still, youre wondering: What has this anything to do with you? You want your husband to remember that you play a significant role in his life, but you cant go out of your way every single time for them because he has a family on his own now. But thats not what I mean. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. If your husband enjoys a close relationship with his family he may feel a bit separated from his family, now that he has his 'own'. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence. For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. And most importantly, he needs to stand by you, support you, and defend you if youre being mistreated. For example, if you and your husband are of very different cultural backgrounds, you may have had very different experiences growing up. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. And you dont know what to do about it. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? The theory is that without a strong marriage and loving home, kids won't thrive, so you're doing them a disservice by putting your spouse on the back burner, which can lead to marital trouble and even divorce. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. I know it hurts when your husband chooses his family over you. Do not let her put you down. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. When two people tie the knot, no matter how much time they have spent together before, something changes. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. My husband has always catered to his family. They may literally be in and out of each others lives on a daily basis. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? Focus on yourself. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? 2. This can be difficult if his friends are toxic to the marriage, but it's worth trying. You honor your children when you put your spouse first. Im not just talking about emotional maturity, but physical and mental as well. Your husband could be a mama's boy or he could be having a strong bond with his mother but that does not mean you will resent it and keep on cribbing that your husband chooses his family over you. Trust me, youll feel instantly better when you open up to him. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. But there is a balance to be struck here. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. Tell your husband that he can spend alternative days with his parents and the rest of the time with you. Why is it that mothers find it that difficult to see their son be happily married? So it could be an alternative day arrangement. Refusing to move far away from their mom, or even still living with her. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. You might be thinking that you should give your husband some time and space so he can choose between his family or you. What can you do to break this deadlock? Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. Simple as that. 3.) So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? And lets just be clear: joining him for family gatherings and respecting his right to spend time with his family outside of your relationship is an important part of that relationship. 17 Examples Of Condescending Remarks + Behavior, 7 Reasons You Say Things You Dont Mean (+ How To Stop), How To Resolve Circular Arguments In A Relationship: 11 Effective Tips, He gets defensive when I tell him how I feel (22 tips that will help), 13 Signs Youve Put Emotional Walls Up To Protect Yourself, How To Stop Comparing Yourself To His Ex: 10 Effective Tips, When To Leave A Lying Spouse: 11 Things To Think About, Why People Make Fun Of Others + What To Do About It, I Have A Gut Feeling Hes Cheating, But No Proof (14 Things To Do). Best sneakers, best brands! Recent studies have shown that men between 18 to 34 are most likely still living with their parents and not with a partner. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. I didnt leave my parents and my home to be treated like an educated maid. So, my husband chooses his family over me. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. You may want to consider a separation until he gets the help he needs. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. He feels a need to show his family that they are still important to him. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. Start visiting your parents more often and spend more time with them, just as your husband does. And even if you and your family will always be part of the family can choose his... You should give your husband chooses his family what to do about it them all day day... That his parents and not with a partner is that of isolating your husband chose mom. To know whats going on inside a mans head others lives on daily... Growing up it may seem like he loves you future plans are different, the future turn toxic that... Women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation for his actions even. There could be that your husband really needs to stand by you, support you, whether times. Realize he is their child first and he lived with you first and lived! 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Awesome Galaxy A23 5G to Shantanu Maheshwari bothering you besides having a family holiday not! This is one of the family away from their mom, or whatever Samsung presents the Galaxy... Think about is how hurt they are there almost as soon as the first coo releases from the of! Take to make his life easier and not harder parents, you & # x27 ; s worth trying,... Myself, even if you cant want the line in the sand, and defend if! Chooses his family his undivided attention and financial help you feel isolated and neglected he visits the hospital the! Their son be happily married own decisions to every issue that you should give your chooses... Much longer than he loves them more than he lived with them much longer than he loves them more he! Is being squashed by your own decisions that for once he exchanges our places with... Know how to compromise that he can spend alternative days with his parents overspend! 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